My post season thoughts..

I feel like in a lot of ways this year I failed. I failed in the goals I set for myself, in the standard I hold myself to and the steps I was hoping to take. I feel that everything happened in a way that made me really question who I am, what I value about myself, what defines me and why I am pursuing this ever challenging life style of personal performance and excellence.

Everybody always preaches about how it’s not about the destination it’s about the journey. But for me it was always about the destination, I want to be the best. But, this year, I was not my best and definitely not THE best. So I was forced to appreciate the journey. And for the first time I did.

When people asked me how the season went my initial reaction is to say rough, but when I take a step back and really look at the journey of it all, there were a lot of heartbreaking and challenging moments but gosh there were also so many highs.

I started the year competing with the greatest of all time. The literal greatest to ever do it, and boy she did not disappoint. I have never met anybody like Kerri Walsh. To say it was an honor is an understatement. It doesn’t take long to see why Kerri has done what she has in her life, she lives and breathes a true champion. In my short time with her I got a glimpse into the lifestyle of a true GOAT, and they are everything I imagined and so much more.  I then went to La Paz, Mexico with Jessica Gaffney. While morale was low, we sat on one of the most beautiful beaches I have ever seen, with a cocktail in hand, and shared exactly what was on our hearts. Then, one of my best friends, Allie Wheeler, willingly decided to fly to Itapema Brazil on a couple days notice to risk it for the biscuit. We in fact did not get the biscuit but we reminded each other why we are friends in the first place. We have courage and we don’t back down, we left with a stronger bond than when we came. A few days after I got home from Brazil, and a quick bout of food poisining later, I left for New Orleans to play with Carly Kan to see if we could pull off some split blocking two defender magic. We were quickly reminded why the defender life is the path we chose but that didn’t stop us from screaming Taylor Swift at the top of our lungs every time we got in the car, just like we were kids driving to club practice again. I then partnered with Deahna Kraft for what might be one of my longest partnerships to date. We played in Hermosa Beach, Huntington Beach, Manhattan Beach, Atlanta, Denver, Espinho Portugal and Edmonton Canada. Boy did we have our fair share of obstacles, we had a concussion, ovarian cysts, a weight dropped to the foot and too many flight cancelations to count but with every challenge thrown our way Deahna had a better joke to throw right back. So, while we did a lot of great things on the sand and some not great, the energy, the excitement and the laughter this girl brought into my life everyday was appreciated more than she knows and will make it forever one of my favorite partnerships. For the Chicago AVP I played with one of my biggest competitors since my sophomore year of college, Savvy Simo. Savvy and I have always found ourselves battling for a spot or a partner or a sponsorship but for the first time, in Chicago there was no competition between us. We have both battled similar battles, we have both gone through the highs and lows of this sport and we let our walls down and we respected one another for what we have both been through in this sport and in life. The dynamic, system and culture of this sport create a really toxic and hostile environment amongst players, especially of your same position. It is born from each individuals desire to be the best and truthfully you can’t blame anyone for that. Playing with Savvy was so important for my soul, it reminded me that behind every girl I’m competing against, comparing myself too, counting their points, stalking their instagram, that they are humans too, fighting for their own dream, and for that I have so much respect. For my final AVP I played in Laguna Beach with Carly Lloyd. Carly is someone I have looked up to since I first started my setting career in high school. As an indoor volleyball player Carly has accomplished pretty much everything you could possibly accomplish. I always respected Carlys competitive nature, her fire and her work, but playing with her I saw so much more about her that I loved and respected equally as much. Carly is an incredible mother, partner, advocate and leader but she does each of those things with so much humility and passion for learning and that left me inspired. And lastly I played in the Laguna beach 4-man. I think it’s pretty apparent that the joy everybody had playing in that was overwhelming. After a long season everybody just had the freedom to just do what we love. To compete, to be free, to celebrate, to take risk, and to have more than just 1 other player to fight side by side with. It was the perfect end to the season.

So while I didn’t do what I set out to do, the journey pushed me towards growth. Growth I would not have come to any other way and for that I am proud of myself. It is never easy to continue to put yourself out there with the potential to fail, but as I continue to do so, and continue to fail, I continue to learn. So, when I look back on this year these are the two things I will choose to remember, not the wins or losses.

1. I love people, as introverted and anti social as I may be, human relationships, laughter, sacrifice, joy, pain and the entire spectrum of emotions shared with others is the most beautiful thing in life. Working through problems and having an aha moment. Fighting for air as we sprint across the sand working for a common goal. Having a bad day and having a loved one cheer you up. Laughing with a friend when your flights cancelled for the 4th time. Falling to the ground and throwing sand on center court with your partner in your home town when the ball drops for match point. That just does it for me, that lights me up.

2. I love to compete and I am so grateful to be a professional athlete. To wake up everyday and my job is simply to be the best version of myself is truly a gift that I will never take for granted. I love the pain and suffering of working in the gym because that part I can control. I love perfecting my diet and experimenting with how I can get my body to be running  as efficiently and effectively as possible. I don’t always love but I appreciate the mental training required to be your best when your best is required. I feel so grateful to pursue my passion everyday.

So to everybody  who supported me and cheered for me and encouraged me this season, thank you. Thank you for allowing me to fail and still seeing the light in me, even when I can’t.